Thursday, December 12, 2013

It's been a while since my last blog....I've been a little discombobulated since my brother's passing.

I've talked in the past about trying to learn and grow through the difficult times we are dealt in life.  When Brett was here, I didn't fully grasp his pain and what he was dealing with.  Yes, I knew he suffered from bi-polar depression and he struggled a lot through his life.  It made me sad and I got frustrated for the situation and the pain I saw in his and my parents eyes.  But I didn't truly understand and respect what he was going through - the depths of his despair.

I was busy living my life with my husband and our two boys, tending to our business.  Many times, my Mom would say, "Pray for Brett, he's feeling down lately" and I would pray but then I would go about my hectic but fulfilled life.  Many times I thought about calling him but since he had broken up with this wife Melissa, I didn't know his new cell number.  I never got around to asking for it.  I would see him at family events but we didn't talk a lot - he was so quiet, he kept much of his pain to himself.  Like a lot of us, I was still frustrated and reeling from his breakup with Melissa and was having a hard time warming up to his new girlfriend Tina.

The last time I saw my brother was 2 weeks before he took his life.  We were celebrating his birthday at Outback Steakhouse in Hurst.  He and Tina sat across the table from me.  I enjoyed seeing him as always but we didn't talk a whole lot.  Never would I have dreamed that this would be the last time I would see him.

I had a dream the other night where I got to see and talk to Brett again.  In my dream I had the benefit of the wisdom I now have through his death.  In my dream I was so happy to be with Brett and I was treasuring our time together.  When he started to walk away I asked him to turn around and give me a hug.  We hugged wholeheartedly and then I looked into his eyes again - it was a beautiful moment between us. His visit gave me so much peace.

Brett's death has taught me to be more compassionate and understanding of others and to be less judgmental.  Never again on my watch will a family member or friend of mine suffer like Brett did and I not TRULY be there for them.

Now, I fully respect what my brother was going through - just trying to live a normal life.  He was trying to keep up but his illness wouldn't let him.  He deserved utmost respect from me when he was living...I just didn't fully get it until he was gone.  I have to live with this.

I do have peace in knowing he's with the Lord in Heaven now - his soul finally at rest.  But his legacy will live on in my heart forever - Brett was a beautiful, smart, witty, caring and loving person who was afflicted with an awful illness that stole so much from him and his life.

I take away from his passing that we should all strive to be TRULY be present for those that we care for in our lives.  We should give them our time and the attention and our compassionate understanding and love.

Don't take anyone important in your life for granted - appreciate them fully everyday.