It's been a while since my last blog....I've been a little discombobulated since my brother's passing.

I've talked in the past about trying to learn and grow through the difficult times we are dealt in life.  When Brett was here, I didn't fully grasp his pain and what he was dealing with.  Yes, I knew he suffered from bi-polar depression and he struggled a lot through his life.  It made me sad and I got frustrated for the situation and the pain I saw in his and my parents eyes.  But I didn't truly understand and respect what he was going through - the depths of his despair.

I was busy living my life with my husband and our two boys, tending to our business.  Many times, my Mom would say, "Pray for Brett, he's feeling down lately" and I would pray but then I would go about my hectic but fulfilled life.  Many times I thought about calling him but since he had broken up with this wife Melissa, I didn't know his new cell number.  I never got around to asking for it.  I would see him at family events but we didn't talk a lot - he was so quiet, he kept much of his pain to himself.  Like a lot of us, I was still frustrated and reeling from his breakup with Melissa and was having a hard time warming up to his new girlfriend Tina.

The last time I saw my brother was 2 weeks before he took his life.  We were celebrating his birthday at Outback Steakhouse in Hurst.  He and Tina sat across the table from me.  I enjoyed seeing him as always but we didn't talk a whole lot.  Never would I have dreamed that this would be the last time I would see him.

I had a dream the other night where I got to see and talk to Brett again.  In my dream I had the benefit of the wisdom I now have through his death.  In my dream I was so happy to be with Brett and I was treasuring our time together.  When he started to walk away I asked him to turn around and give me a hug.  We hugged wholeheartedly and then I looked into his eyes again - it was a beautiful moment between us. His visit gave me so much peace.

Brett's death has taught me to be more compassionate and understanding of others and to be less judgmental.  Never again on my watch will a family member or friend of mine suffer like Brett did and I not TRULY be there for them.

Now, I fully respect what my brother was going through - just trying to live a normal life.  He was trying to keep up but his illness wouldn't let him.  He deserved utmost respect from me when he was living...I just didn't fully get it until he was gone.  I have to live with this.

I do have peace in knowing he's with the Lord in Heaven now - his soul finally at rest.  But his legacy will live on in my heart forever - Brett was a beautiful, smart, witty, caring and loving person who was afflicted with an awful illness that stole so much from him and his life.

I take away from his passing that we should all strive to be TRULY be present for those that we care for in our lives.  We should give them our time and the attention and our compassionate understanding and love.

Don't take anyone important in your life for granted - appreciate them fully everyday. 

Cruel Irony...

The cruel irony is not lost on me when looking back on my blog posts, that my November 7th post commenced my "30 Days Of Trying Something New Challenge".  My first foray into video blogging began with a crudely homemade iphone video documentation of me trying an Indian Bitter Melon (vegatable).

I remember how giddy I was that afternoon.  I made my long-suffering husband go with me to our neighborhood Sprouts grocery to video a segment.   About the exact moment in time that I was happily filming the silly bit with Doug, my brother Brett was ending his life.  He texted my older brother David the following goodbye...

Nov 7th 3:48 pm ... " I love you brother" 

David was napping with this young son, Christian at that time but when he awoke to Brett's text, he responded:

5:36p.m. "love you too... " 

When Brett didn't respond, later on that evening David again texted him:
9:03pm " Where you at ?"  "Call me when you can .... You are heavy on my heart ".

David never got a response...

I can't help but to feel sad and awful about how I was so happy and having such lighthearted fun... while my dear, sweet brother was suffering so much that he had decided to take his life. 

I know it's not my fault nor do I feel responsible for Brett's suicide..but I do feel guilt that I wasn't there for him more..that I wasn't a better sister to him...his illness was frustrating and it put a barrier between us more than I would like to remember...but he was my little brother and I loved him with all of my heart and now that's he's gone I can't help but feel that I could have been there more for him and that I missed out on so much with him.   

All of my family shares some of this guilt on some level..this is what suicide does..it relieves the one who is ending their life of the pain while at the same time inflicting certain extreme pain on those who loved them the most.  

I do have peace in my heart knowing that my beautiful brother was saved a few years before he passed and that he is in Heaven now...maybe a little earlier than was God's plan.  But he is there...with the Lord, full of joy and finally at peace.

I miss my little brother so much - but one day Brett and I will embrace again.  Until then, I plan on honoring his memory by living my life faithfully and with purpose.  He would want that for all of those who loved him.

It's been a very difficult week to say the least.  But I have one bright spot to share with you all.  I was on The Broadcast this morning speaking about my new book.

Check it out:

http://www.ktxdtv.com/story/23967420/author-laurie-goyen?autoStart=true&topVideoCatNo=default&clipId=9528710

Brett

My Brother Brett died unexpectedly last Thursday, November 7th.  He took his life and our hearts are broken.  My sweet brother suffered from Bipolar and major depression from the time he was thirteen years old.  Please lift up my family in your prayers especially my Mom and Dad who lost their youngest son.

So many of us are left with our own guilt of wishing we had done more and been there more for him but that doesn't do anyone any good. We loved him beyond words and we miss him terribly but we do have peace in hour hearts knowing that he is finally at rest and with God our Father in heaven.  

http://www.legacy.com/guestbooks/dfw/guestbook.aspx?n=brett-antwiler&pid=167936844&page=2#sthash.ChXewOrM.dpbs

Our dearest Brett, oh how fiercely you were loved.  What we would give for just one more hug. 

We miss you so much my handsome, sweet brother.  Your beautiful blue eyes, your wit, and your gentle, quiet way. 

We ache for how you suffered in this life and for the valiant battle you fought to overcome your pain.

But oh how we rejoice in knowing that you are finally at peace with your heavenly Father.

The Lord says, come unto me all ye that labor and are heavy laden and I will give you rest.  Mom, Dad, David and I and All of those who loved you dearly know in our hearts that you are finally at rest.

No more sadness, no more tears as you dwell in God’s home. 

Only peace and pure joy is what you now know. 

We will embrace again in the heavens one day, I know this for sure.  But till then our sweet Brett, we will miss you with all of our hearts and we will honor you by living our lives according to God’s will and in the best way that we can.  And we will be strong like you tried so hard to be.

We love you.

Day One of "30 Days of Trying Something New"

Okay....so today I tried something new....

Indian Bitter Melon...check out how it went.. :)

 "30 Day Try Something New Challenge":

Today, I did something I've never done before.  I watched a live taping of a T.V show (talk about right up my alley!).  It was truly a great experience and it got me to thinking how cool it would be to purposely try something new EVERY DAY for 30 days.  

It could be... trying a new food or dish I've never tasted before or something more involved like interviewing someone I meet on the street who seems interesting.  Why?....Well, why not?  Might just learn something truly valuable along the way and life's short, you gotta have some fun!  So here goes...starting tomorrow: 

November 7th, 2013, begins the journey of my 
"30 Day Try Something New Challenge".  

                                                                     It's On!!    

I'll document each experience daily on this blog...

Let's see what tomorrow brings.  :)

I was touched by all those who came by to support me at my signing.  I know everyone is busy and it meant so much!

If I can write a book and publish it....ANYONE can do whatever they set their mind too!  If there is something you've always wanted to accomplish, but you've always talked yourself out of it...I challenge you to see what would happen if you just did it!  It's a great feeling and I would want everyone to be able to experience that kind of fulfillment.

Today is my first book signing and I'm so excited!  Even though my shipment of books didn't make it in time, at least I will have some inventory.

Three years ago, if you were to tell me I would have written a book and would be having book signings.  I wouldn't believe it.  But, I'm here to tell you that anything is possible when you make you mind up and find what lights you up!

Here's to finding your passion!

I leave you with a great quote:

"The purpose of life is a life of purpose". - Robert Byrne.

You know you're in a good spot in life when you wake up in the morning thinking, 

"Oh, the possibilities".  I'm in my mid-forties and it took me my whole life to get here 

but I now truly feel that ANYTHING is possible.  

What are you supposed to be doing?  What were you designed to do?  

Think about it and go about the business of doing it. 

Life is short - walk your path, leave your print.

Get it done. 

My boys, Blake and Garrett years ago in our first house...Time moves fast...and now they're 12 and 13...

Sweet Life

Enjoy the days of good and the moments that are sweet.
Relish all that surrounds you and the people that you meet

Be grateful for calm waters and a sun that shines so bright
For ears to hear, a simple touch and the awsome gift of sight.

Take note the grass-all shades of green and the sky so perfectly blue.
Appreciate everyone in your life and the fact that they're here for you.

Fortify your constitution for the times when storms will hit
Build it strong with Faith, good friends and throw in a little wit.

Life is just too precious to go from day to night
without living it with purpose and being present with all of your might.

Family + Nature = True Joy...me and my boys...

I've been thinking of a friend and her family a lot these days.  They are dealing with cancer and they will face a tremendous amount of stress, hardship, pain and uncertainty in the following few months.  My heart goes out to them because I know how awful this season can be. 

If you live long enough, everyone eventually faces the tough stuff.  Thankfully, the prognosis is very good. However, the journey through the storm will be a difficult one.  The ultimate good news is that these people have a strong faith and they will be comforted and strengthened along the way by Him and by those who help them through it.  

 Be grateful for your good health and the health of those you love. Hold up the ones who you know are suffering right now as well as their loved ones.  They will need the strength that comes from your thoughts and prayers.

Welcome!

Welcome to my new blog!  This is my first post.  I am excited to have a forum and outlet to express my thoughts and musings.  I hope you enjoy what I have to contribute to the universe. :)  The purpose for my blog is to share my life others and for others to share with me as well.  The hope is to learn from and be inspired by each other.

Sometimes, I'll post a thought, or a picture, a quote or maybe a poem.  Basically this will be a place for me to express myself creatively, therapeutically and so on.  I hope you enjoy it!

 On a separate note, I've just published my first book, "River Through My Heart: A Memoir" which is now available on Amazon.com:  - My book.  I wrote it in order to share with others what I've been though in my life and what I've learned from those experiences.  We all have a story and each of our lives are significant.

I've always wanted to write but had held myself back.  One day, I decided to just go for it and it's been a wonderful journey ever since.  Tapping into your purpose/s - what you are ultimately here for, lights you up and those around you as well.

Have you given much thought lately to what you're supposed to be accomplishing while you're here?  Some of you are already doing this and you know how fulfilling it can be.  I challenge those of you who have not yet tapped into your purpose/s, to start stepping into those long-held longings and nudges.  When you do, blessings will abound.

That's enough for now...until next time.