Cruel Irony...

The cruel irony is not lost on me when looking back on my blog posts, that my November 7th post commenced my "30 Days Of Trying Something New Challenge".  My first foray into video blogging began with a crudely homemade iphone video documentation of me trying an Indian Bitter Melon (vegatable).

I remember how giddy I was that afternoon.  I made my long-suffering husband go with me to our neighborhood Sprouts grocery to video a segment.   About the exact moment in time that I was happily filming the silly bit with Doug, my brother Brett was ending his life.  He texted my older brother David the following goodbye...

Nov 7th 3:48 pm ... " I love you brother" 

David was napping with this young son, Christian at that time but when he awoke to Brett's text, he responded:

5:36p.m. "love you too... " 

When Brett didn't respond, later on that evening David again texted him:
9:03pm " Where you at ?"  "Call me when you can .... You are heavy on my heart ".

David never got a response...

I can't help but to feel sad and awful about how I was so happy and having such lighthearted fun... while my dear, sweet brother was suffering so much that he had decided to take his life. 

I know it's not my fault nor do I feel responsible for Brett's suicide..but I do feel guilt that I wasn't there for him more..that I wasn't a better sister to him...his illness was frustrating and it put a barrier between us more than I would like to remember...but he was my little brother and I loved him with all of my heart and now that's he's gone I can't help but feel that I could have been there more for him and that I missed out on so much with him.   

All of my family shares some of this guilt on some level..this is what suicide does..it relieves the one who is ending their life of the pain while at the same time inflicting certain extreme pain on those who loved them the most.  

I do have peace in my heart knowing that my beautiful brother was saved a few years before he passed and that he is in Heaven now...maybe a little earlier than was God's plan.  But he is there...with the Lord, full of joy and finally at peace.

I miss my little brother so much - but one day Brett and I will embrace again.  Until then, I plan on honoring his memory by living my life faithfully and with purpose.  He would want that for all of those who loved him.